From People-Pleaser to Peace Promoter: Breaking Away From Perfection and into Performance

The Pleaser Persona

“Don’t rock the boat, Janice.” I would tell myself. I used to always be so concerned about what others thought about me. Blend in. Don’t be too much. Don’t shine too bright. Don’t be too dull. Smile. Allow. Mold to what is expected.

“What do you want to eat, Janice?”

“Whatever you want,” I would reply.

I didn’t even know what I wanted to eat. Truly.

I had lost my identity, my voice, my tastes.

I felt comfortable being a sheep following the leader of the pack. Please don’t ask me to make a decision. Please don’t be mad at me. I hated conflict. I hated feeling like I had let someone down.

I was a huge people pleaser from when I was a teenager till my late thirties. Most of my decisions are made from a place of fear.

Rock Bottom and Awakening

But hitting rock bottom changed everything. I went through a divorce and lost my most prized, co-dependent relationship.

After my divorce, I was in so much emotional pain that I felt I had no choice but to figure out what was going on internally. How had I become this anxious, people-pleasing, fearful person?

I went to different types of therapy: EMDR, talk therapy, hypnotherapy, neurofeedback, and attachment therapy. I read all kinds of self-help books. I concluded that fear was holding me back and that instead of blaming everyone else for the state of my life, I would take personal responsibility to create a life that made me proud.

The “One Fear Per Year” Journey

This is how my “One Fear Per Year” journey got started. I was going to walk through one fear every year, and each fear that I bravely faced would teach me something, would empower me, and would build my self-confidence.

It’s been 14 years since my divorce, and this is a list of the 14 fears I’ve walked through:

1. Ran a marathon
2. Joined Toastmasters and started speaking my truth
3. Self-published a memoir
4. Auditioned and acted in a short film
5. Went to a 2-week yoga teacher training where I learned to meditate
6. Competed in a bodybuilding competition
7. Traveled to Spain and walked the Camino de Santiago
8. Did stand-up comedy
9. Joined a dance group and performed during half-time at a Kings game
10. Competed in a 40’s 40-plus beauty pageant in Vegas
11. Participated in a Kenya Keynote tour, speaking to thousands of students in Africa
12. Bought an investment property in Georgia
13. Presented a keynote in Mexico City in Spanish
14. Gave a TEDx talk

Transformation Through Fear

Each fear that I’ve walked through has emboldened me, empowered me, taught me, and ultimately, transformed me from a people pleaser to a promoter of peace and love. I’ve ditched perfectionism for connection and authenticity. I’ve learned to set boundaries and protect my energy and space. I’ve learned to trust myself and my intuition. I’ve learned to love myself, not in an arrogant way, but in a pure, non-judgmental way.

Doing this work of personal development has helped me show up better in my relationships, my work, and my day-to-day life.

Showing Up Real, Not Perfect

Walking through fear will change your life. Embracing authentic connection with yourself and others will allow you to show up in more purposeful and impactful ways. Many times, we believe that we need to show up perfectly to be of value in this world. The truth is, we need to show up real. We need to show up honestly and vulnerably without pretense or arrogance.

Sharing our full selves and stories with others is a great start to making a greater impact and connection. This begins the moment we choose to take off the mask of perfectionism. It takes courage to show up before you’re “ready”.

A Stage, A Shaking Body, A Lesson in Worth

Recently, I was to present a 5-minute speech on a large stage in a room full of CEOs and professional speakers. I was so nervous when I stood up to speak on that stage that my whole body began shaking involuntarily to the point where I couldn’t control it. I had to fall to my knees for stability. I continued with my speech on my knees and as soon as I felt stable enough, stood back up, finished my speech, and walked off the stage.

In that moment, I realized that my falling to my knees and not performing perfectly didn’t define me. It didn’t define my worth. It was just something that happened. I was nervous. My body shook. That’s it. I didn’t need to make it about not being good enough or being a failure in general. It was simply something that happened, and that was that.

Afterwards, several audience members came up to me and actually thanked me for showing up in such a raw, real, vulnerable way. It gave them hope and infused them with courage. I can’t express enough how much we need connection and not perfection.

Discovering My Identity

As a recovering people pleaser, I began to notice how I lacked a solid sense of self since my self-worth had been found in others. As soon as I realized this, I decided to figure out my own identity. Who was I? What did I enjoy doing? When did I feel the most joy? Who drained my energy, and who filled my cup?

I became much more aware of what I wanted, needed, and desired.

A Vision of My Highest Self

I participated in a guided visualization where I was told to imagine my best, highest self. I saw a woman on a cliff, shoulders back, heart forward. This woman was confident, powerful, and loving. I hired someone to take a picture of me on a cliff, just as I envisioned it. She then painted that picture, and it now hangs in my bedroom to remind me of who I truly am.

Below it, I placed a candle that says “Chingona”, which means “A Badass Woman,” and next to that is a crystal figure of Queen Elsa from Frozen (Let it Go, Let it Go). These are each visual representations of the best parts of myself that I can look at every day to remind myself of who I am underneath the fear, pain, and trauma.

A Daily Practice of Remembrance

Find visual elements that remind you of who you are deep down. Place them in your bedroom or office. Look at them every single day so that when it’s time to face your fears and live your best life, you will remember who you truly are.

Learn more at https://www.janiceburt.com/ and connect with Janice at https://www.instagram.com/spanish_janice/.